I have been debating for a while whether I would post about such a personal topic on this blog. In writing this, I am not looking for people to feel sorry for me. This is more of a therapy for myself than anything else. I have started to open up to friends about what has been going on and it has been so helpful mentally and emotionally to be able to talk about it. What I am hinting at is infertility. While this is not a serious medical issue, it certainly is not an easy thing to deal with.
We have been trying to get pregnant for a year and a half with no success. I went to see my doctor at 6 months in because I knew something had to be going on. The short version of the story is that 6 months of trying is not long enough to consider it infertility, so he could not do much until we hit the 1 year mark. He suggested I should gain 10lbs. I am very small and he thought that because I had very little body fat, my body was not producing enough estrogen to have a healthy cycle. I have always been under weight and fairly active, so gaining weight is difficult.
At that point I stopped exercising, started trying to add in “healthy” fats and really started to pay attention what was going on with my cycle. That’s all I did. Every second of my day became about my cycle. Was I ovulating today? Can I feel it? Do I feel any different? Is this cramping because I am pregnant? It became an obsession. And without doing much of any physical activity, I wasn’t relieving any stress. Every month was disappointment after disappointment. My husband was very busy at work and hardly around. This made the obsession even worse. Everything was about having a baby. Should I buy that top? Should I have that cocktail with dinner? If I get pregnant this month, I’ll have a summer baby!
It became a routine. It took all of the fun and romance out of the whole process. It consumed me. And every month, same result. It was devastating and I was exhausted. At this point I thought, maybe we need to take a break from trying. I tried to convince myself that a break would be healthy and that I needed to relax. But I couldn’t not try. Even though I said I would take a break, every day started out with an ovulation test. I was able to cut back on the obsession a bit. I started exercising again. And still, nothing. What I needed was to get in to see a doctor and run some tests.
And then, we moved. Now was my chance to get in with a new doctor and finally get some answers. I was excited again. I thought, this would be my turning point. We would finally get pregnant, and finally get some answers why it wasn’t working the natural way. I made an appointment with my new primary care physician and she was amazing. She was caring and understanding and put in for a referral to an infertility clinic. Progress! Then I got the call from Tricare that I needed to go through the OB clinic before they’d give me a referral. So, one step forward, half a step back. No big deal, I could handle it. Dealing with OB is a whole other story, that I am going to leave for another post.