Thankful

I am feeling quite thankful tonight. Maybe it’s the high dose of baby making medication I’m on, but I can’t help myself. Infertility has been the biggest struggle I’ve ever had to deal with. When I first started writing in this blog, I was hesitant to open up about my struggle. But I can honestly say, it has been one of the best things I have done. I am so grateful for the wonderful messages I have received , many of which were from friends I haven’t spoken with in years.

I remember several years ago talking to a friend about having kids and more specifically, that one of my biggest fears was that I would have trouble conceiving. Who knows why this thought even crossed my mind at 23. Sometimes I wonder if somewhere I just knew it would happen and sometimes I wonder if maybe that fear all those years ago has gotten to my head and that is part of the problem. I truly believe God does not give us more than we can deal with. Though, I often wonder “why me”. Why was this put in my path, don’t I already have enough obstacles in my life?

The hardest part of infertility is the end of a cycle. Not feeling any “pregnancy symptoms”, thinking every little thing is a pregnancy symptom, negative pregnancy tests over and over. It’s like a bad dream on repeat. The second hardest part of infertility is Facebook. I swear every day someone new posts they are pregnant or delivering. While jealous of every one of them, some I am genuinely happy for. And some I’d like to punch in the face.  And some I am less happy for. It is so hard to see half of my news feed on their second or third child and I can’t even get my first.

This post is starting to get real depressing, so let’s get back to being thankful. Throughout this process I have had the best support network. It has helped me tremendously. So I want to say thank you to my mom for being my rock. You give me advice and support in every way. I would not be able to get through this without you.  Beyond constantly asking you questions, you have been my shoulder to lean on.

My husband and I have been through our fair share of hardships over the past… 12 years. Once we started trying, he was so busy with work he barely had time to pick me back up after every negative pregnancy test. The more involved treatment got, the more he realized how hard this was and how unfair it was. So thank you to him for being my other rock, my confidant. Thank you for knowing how to cheer me up when I get a negative test, see another pregnancy announcement, or feel awful after a procedure. And thank you for putting up with me when I am on a ton of medication that gives me horrible mood swings and makes me crazy. I am so, so grateful for you.

Anyone reading this who struggles with infertility needs to find their own support. I have found support through family, friends, and infertility Facebook groups. It is nice to be able to talk to other people going through the same thing you are and be completely open and honest about your experience. It just feels good to get those awful emotions out in the open.

My whole life I felt like my life would be incomplete without starting a family. I’ve accomplished every one of my goals for my life so far: college, marriage, job, house. So once we got through all those things, I thought, I need a baby. That’s the next step, that’s what I need to fulfill my life. And now I have come to the realization that I don’t need a baby to feel whole. I am happy with everything that I have now, and if that’s all that I get, it’s enough. Maybe I wouldn’t be saying that if I had gotten pregnant right away, and maybe I have just been able to appreciate everything more because of it. I look back at my dreams of what my life would be, and I realize how boring it was. Go to college, get married, get a good job, buy a house, have kids, live happily ever after. Instead, I get to go on a wild adventure, meet tons of new people, and live in tons of new places. And maybe I will have kids of my own, maybe I wont. But my life is so much more than I had ever dreamed, and I am so thankful for this adventure.

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2 Comments Add yours

  1. Susan Rigney says:

    Lauren, first of all I love you! Second if all it breaks my heart to see you and Travis struggle with this. And thirdly I am proud of both of you for all you have achieved, for your willingness to pick up and on a moments notice with Travis’s job, for the sacrifices you both make while he is serving our country. I love your spirit of thankfulness for all you have and have become. That is so awesome when you are dealing with something so time and energy consuming. I can empathize in a way about how hard it is to watch others have families only because I watched others have newborn babies after I came home from the hospital after losing my daughter with flowers in my lap and not her. Kudos to you Lauren, you are one strong woman whom I admire very much!

  2. Jennie says:

    I relate to a lot of what you said. In my early 20s I also thought about what would happen if I had trouble having a baby. I also feel the same way about other pregnant women.I think it is normal.

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